it's starting to hit me.

i was waiting for this moment to come- i realize that i'm giving up a good situation for an unknown situation. to finish it off- i'm not even positive jem will give me the time of day.. especially since he's never made an effort to stay in communication with me for years. so i'm chasing unsure possibilities and giving shit up just to do so- then once that falls through, i'm back at first base/where i started. however.. i always have to be optimistic about this and think, "what if it works out better than i hoped?" there's also not a certainty that it WON'T work out and if i just sit here thinking pessimistically, basically nanchalantly hoping it DOESN'T work.. it's sure not to work and i will end up EXACTLY where i dread ending up and being a disabled bum who depends on social security, drinks pepsi, smokes cigarette after cigarette and talks to her damn dogs. that is one of the biggest reasons why i jumped at this opportunity to get as far AWAY from what i don't wanna end up. i broke up with my boyfriend also because i'm pretty sure long distance relationships don't work and i wouldn't mind it but i assumed my boyfriend wouldn't really like it eventually- that doesn't seem fair, so i had to break it off. then he said he was coming over to my place yesterday to get the tent and sweatshirt he left here and never showed up. i've been trying to message him asking him if he was gonna come get his tent and he hasn't responded.. he told me the last time he was here that his cell phone wasn't working right- so he didn't get any of my texts. so he never did anything wrong to make me break up with him- it was more because of me. i keep getting these waves of depression/sadness where i start crying when i think about what if all this doesn't work out and i gave up a good guy for nothing.. hopefully it works out because i will blow my brains out if i end up depending on social security, still in this state, drinking pepsi and smoking cigarette after cigarette. people can try to say, "she's all talk, no action.. she won't do it." we'll see. we'll see. i think back to my previous care coordinator who said to me that i'm all talk and no action- then i think about how her son who also had a brain injury killed himself. i'm almost guaranteeing she said that same shit to him and where is he now? in a coffin underground (unless he got cremated)! so don't push it when you're dealing with people with brain injuries. we're crazy, we don't have anything to lose (well.. I don't have anything left to lose.. seeing as i've lost it all when i was 16). my ics worker also requested to the lady who i'm talking to about getting the boston apartment if she can possibly ask for an extension of a few days for me to sign the papers for the apartment in boston because we want to make sure my health care gets switched over, so i actually have pca assistance when i get there. i'm not sure if she's replied yet.. i gotta check. other than zero family support (other than joe), trying to avoid becoming what most people think i'll become, and the expectation to attend some overrated pathetic excuse of a rehab. facility instead of actually working like a responsible adult- this stupid state can't even give me my damn driver's license back without giving me the stupid reason "needs more therapy" just to get that overrated pointless excuse of a "rehabilitation center" another client because WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THE UNADVOCATED, VULNERABLE PEOPLE OF THIS STATE! THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO BESIDES BEING UNDERESTIMATED AND DISCOURAGED TO SHOW THEIR TRUE ABILITY! RIGHT AMANDA AND MOM?! they're not people. they don't deserve to get the same opportunities as a fully abled person! RIGHT?! exactly why i'm off to other places who actually give me the opportunity to function as a normal person. if you honestly cared about me- you'd be supportive of it because otherwise i'll more than likely end up like my previous care coordinator's son.